My older daughter come home from school Thursday enthusiastic about an opportunity to go to summer photography classes at the Academy of Art. Immediately, I felt resistant...too much money, too far, too much driving, but miraculously I kept my attitude neutral. I've had to learn to PAUSE before saying NO! I was busy "Elluminating" on Thursday night, so she shared her excitement and info with her dad. I have been ruminating for the last few days about the dynamics between parents and their children planning for the futures. Of course, that sounds so middle-aged and middle-class, but I fit both of those criteria officially. How do I as a mom support my daughters' (both of them!) dreams and aspirations? What do I say...yes, dear, art school is a great choice over an academic degree! Then risk my child will have no "back-up" plan. Do I press for my kids to make pragmatic choices, over creative ones, and risk limiting their artistic opportunities? WHERE DOES MY RESISTANCE COME FROM? Then, I realize, muddled in all of that, are feelings and thoughts I don't want to admit to...why didn't I get to go to art school or music school? Where is my opportunity for creative expression? 

When the girls were little I remember watching them tap dance their hearts out in sparkly costumes feeling a little heartbroken. Dance classes were too conventionally-female for my own liberated mother to allow me to attend. My mother fought for her own opportunities creatively and academic. Her children and her motherhood threatened her opportunities. She was a serious student and feminist in my childhood. Her vision was very narrow and self-focused. As a girl, I never had pink dresses...just jeans and Converse. As an adult, my heart still breaks for some reason to wear sequins! Well, after a huge hiatus, I have that opportunity to perform and wear sparkles singing in the band. My own creative expression has an outlet! I feel I have reclaimed a part of myself, but that part had not even existed yet! So, at 40, I finally became a singer. It feels like I can finally breathe, inhaling deeply. But I know I still have some other creative energies lurking inside...waiting. It could be drawing or painting or something digital...or all of the above. It is buried further, beneath the music. It's time for it to be released.

So, meanwhile, my life now is not an either/or world. My own creativity can be expressed...while I help cultivate my daughters' opportunities. It's not too late for me or too early for them. I can support them while I continue to find my own creative voice. And I can't wait to see what my girls will do in all of their endeavors!